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Forgiving Myself November 24, 2010

Posted by jeneypeney in 30 days of truth, girl problems, life, love bites, wishing and dreaming.
1 comment so far

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

Wow. This is going to be hard to publish.

I’ve known for a long, long time that I am my own worst enemy.

I am constantly setting the bar absurdly high for myself and I never fail to berate the failure inside me for not achieving those ridiculous goals I set. I am, simply, too hard on myself.

As most of you will remember, I went through a severely self-destructive point in my life where I made awful, terrible life choices that still haunt me to this very moment. While I know the reasons I even took these leaps into the dark and dangerous were not my  fault – they were still my choices to make.

I have never – ever – forgiven myself for putting myself into those situations.

And now I have this wonderful, loving, and absolutely perfect man in my life who loves the shit out of me, and I can’t help but think I don’t deserve him; that he should have a woman in his life that is less damaged and used. I am plagued by the feeling that someday all of my transgressions will finally hit him (although he knows about them already), and he’ll realize I am no good for him… or anyone else.

Those feelings? Those stupid mistakes I made years ago? That is what I need to forgive myself for. I have to reach deep down inside and find it in my heart to know that it is all in my past and I cannot change it. Every stupid choice and every regret has shaped me into the woman who The Actual asked to marry him – that this woman is no longer broken and is worthy of love and affection and all that shmoopy bullshit that comes with it.

I have to forgive myself for those desperate mistakes I made. They may have been the worst ones – but they weren’t the only ones. And they certainly won’t be the last.

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Wishing on Eyelashes October 13, 2010

Posted by jeneypeney in all growed up, life, schmoop, sentimental stuff, wishing and dreaming.
6 comments

I remember when I was a kid my mother would periodically tell me to hold still, pull a rogue eyelash off my cheek, and  tell me to make a wish.

Staring at that precarious little piece of hair on her finger tip, I would wonder to myself, “How is that going to grant me a wish?”

Never mind the absurdity of throwing spare change into a man-made puddle of water or sending our hopes and dreams into drop-ceilings with the last vestiges of birthday candle smoke; but wishing on pieces of hair that fell out of my EYE?

You’re crazy, woman.

But because I was young and I loved my mother, I would close my eyes tight, silently make my wish, and blow my little eyelash off her finger.

What did I wish for? Well it was never in the same words – but it was always the same thing; I wanted Mr. Right to get off his lazy ass and come find me.

Of course it would alter itself to accommodate my current dating situation…

“I wish for us to stay together for a long time.”

“I wish for this one to be a good one.”

“I wish to spend the rest of my life with him.”

I never hesitated when I had to think of my wish. It almost said itself after so many years.

I continued to make wishes on stars, eyelashes, a digital clock full of ones, and other odd objects in this world that supposedly have mini-genies in them to grant my wish until I was all grown up and paying my own electric bills. Even then I continued to do so.

I’m not entirely sure why I did it. It wasn’t like I truly believed that my penny somehow transformed into a magical wish-granting piece of eight as it tumbled into the murky fountain at the mall. I suppose I was somehow clinging to hope that this guy I kept wishing for would finally get hit with whatever insane wish dust I was conjuring up and show up.

Then a funny thing happened… After almost two decades of wishing, he ‘effin showed up.

After that – I started hesitating when the clock turned to 11:11. I didn’t know what to say to the stars that were asking for my wishes. I even started ignoring my eyelashes.

I had no more wishes to make.

I’m not saying I needed a man in my life to be happy. There is so much more I want to do with the little time I have on this earth: The perfect job. My student loans to be paid off. Go skydiving. Learn how to play the drums.

But those things? I know those are things that the genie within my own body needs to do on her own. Wishes aren’t going to make them happen; I am.

I won’t lie to you though, having The Actual in my life makes these things seem a lot easier to accomplish.

So tell me… when you pick up a dandelion or get the larger piece of the wishbone, what do you wish for?