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Forgiving Myself November 24, 2010

Posted by jeneypeney in 30 days of truth, girl problems, life, love bites, wishing and dreaming.
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30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

Wow. This is going to be hard to publish.

I’ve known for a long, long time that I am my own worst enemy.

I am constantly setting the bar absurdly high for myself and I never fail to berate the failure inside me for not achieving those ridiculous goals I set. I am, simply, too hard on myself.

As most of you will remember, I went through a severely self-destructive point in my life where I made awful, terrible life choices that still haunt me to this very moment. While I know the reasons I even took these leaps into the dark and dangerous were not my  fault – they were still my choices to make.

I have never – ever – forgiven myself for putting myself into those situations.

And now I have this wonderful, loving, and absolutely perfect man in my life who loves the shit out of me, and I can’t help but think I don’t deserve him; that he should have a woman in his life that is less damaged and used. I am plagued by the feeling that someday all of my transgressions will finally hit him (although he knows about them already), and he’ll realize I am no good for him… or anyone else.

Those feelings? Those stupid mistakes I made years ago? That is what I need to forgive myself for. I have to reach deep down inside and find it in my heart to know that it is all in my past and I cannot change it. Every stupid choice and every regret has shaped me into the woman who The Actual asked to marry him – that this woman is no longer broken and is worthy of love and affection and all that shmoopy bullshit that comes with it.

I have to forgive myself for those desperate mistakes I made. They may have been the worst ones – but they weren’t the only ones. And they certainly won’t be the last.

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Comments»

1. cari - November 24, 2010

i definitely feel that way sometimes. and yeah, there are days that i have to tell myself, or even have james tell me, why i am the perfect woman for him. and why i am worthy of loving and of being loved.

it’s hard. it takes a LOT of time and a LOT of self-talk. it takes honesty and a willingness to believe yourself and him. sometimes you just have to accept the words even if you don’t believe them. sometimes it’s just enough to not deny them.

you are strong. you are awesome. the actual loves you.


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