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Nothing runs like a Deere. February 25, 2011

Posted by jeneypeney in insanity, shenanigans, the midwest, what the hell.
2 comments

Before I jump in to this story I have to explain the area of I live in.

You see, most of North Dakota is wide, open fields of the farming variety. No trees. No shrubbery. Just soy beans, wheat, corn, canola*, and occasionally sunflowers**.

The area I live in (Fargo) is one of the few urban meccas*** of the great state of NoDak.

I live in an apartment complex consisting of five very large buildings all in a row. Surrounding me is a plethora of cookie-cutter housing, more very large apartment complexes consisting of several buildings, and various condominiums. There are also several churches, grocery stores, and other businesses.

In short – there are no forests, rolling hills, or open fields anywhere near me.

Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky-tacky...

Last summer, the Actual and I stopped at the gas station at the end of my complex to fill up his motorcycle and grab some snacks for one of the various biker runs we were headed to****. While waiting for the small tank to fill, we suddenly heard a strange ‘click clacking’ noise from a distance.

My initial thought was a dog had gotten loose and was sprinting for sweet freedom across the pavement.

Then the I realized the ‘click clack’ was more so of a ‘CLICKCLACKCLICKCLACKCLICKCLACK!!!!!‘ kind of noise – much too loud, fast, and urgent for a dog on jailbreak.

Picking my head up to get a glimpse of the culprit I saw…

A deer.

That’s right!  Fucking Bambi was gallivanting through the gas station, across a very busy street, and into the horizon of urban housing.

Where did she come from? I have absolutely no clue.

Where was she going? Apparently to the Lutheran Church across the street from me.

Once my brain had a chance to absorb the fact that a wild forest animal actually just high-tailed through a very busy, not-foresty area I turned to The Actual and asked, “Was that a deer?”

To which he replied oh so matter of fact, “Yep,” like that shit happens every day.

I suppose I can check this off my Bizzaro Things I Need To Witness Before I Kick It list.

*I had no idea what a canola field even looked like until I got a flat tire in Bumfuck, Canada next to one.

** These fields are GORGEOUS before they wilt…

*** At least it is by desolate nothingness standards.

**** Yep, I’m a biker chick. We’re getting me chaps and a jacket this summer… I will post pictures I promise.

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Letters to Life; The Snow Sucks and Grad School is Hard Edition January 12, 2011

Posted by jeneypeney in grad school, letters, life, save yo drama fo yo mama, shenanigans, the midwest, weddng madness, winter = hellacious bitch.
7 comments

Dear Winter,

I would greatly appreciate it if you would cut the whole “super-shitty-weather” on Friday/ “clear-skies-and-smooth-sailing” on Sunday shenanigans. It makes weekends with The Actual kind of stressful.

Bite Me,

I Don’t Have 4-Wheel Drive

***

Dear Boss,

When I asked you during my interview if I needed to trade my Focus in for a larger car to deal with the heartless bitch that is North Dakota winter driving, I would have appreciated an honest answer.

Yours,

I Still Don’t Have 4-Wheel Drive

***

Dear Fargo Drivers,

Snow and ice on the road does not give you permission to ignore right of way,  the line you’re supposed to stop at for traffic lights, lane lines, speed limits, or any of the other state mandated rules of the road.

Not So Sincerely,

My Blood Pressure Is Through The Roof

***

Dear Snow,

Cut. It. Out. No one likes you anyway.

Eff Off,

My Ass Is Freezing

***

Dear Stats Class,

So far, so good. Let’s keep it that way.

KaiThnx,

Don’t Screw With My 4.0

***

Dear Wedding,

Could you be a doll and just plan yourself? I could care less about centerpieces and bridesmaid dresses. As long as The Actual shows up and the bar is open, I’ll be happy.

Sincerely,

Pirate Vegas Wedding Is Looking Pretty Tempting

An Ode to I29 Construction August 6, 2010

Posted by jeneypeney in being appropriate is overrated, empty threats, letters, piss and moan, save yo drama fo yo mama, the midwest, workin girl.
3 comments

Dear North Dakota DOT,

I understand, what with the absurdly cold winters here in Fargo, ND, that you must repair our streets and highways during the two weeks of summer we actually have decent weather. I appreciate this – really, I do. So does my car.

What I do not appreciate is the fact that my entire 6 mile trip to work on the usual three lanes of I29 has been reduced to two lanes with yielding merges and a speed limit of 35 miles per hour.

Now, if you were in fact working on at least 60% of this valuable blocked lane, I would be a bit more sympathetic and forgiving of your blatant disregard for my commute and short temper. HOWEVER! Throughout this entire 6 miles you have blocked, you only have your orange vest wearing workers actually doing work in a 10 yard section right off of US10’s exit. And they’ve been drilling in the same god damn spot ALL WEEK!

In other words they’ve made NO PROGRESS in the 0.0009% of the highway they are working on. And my commute is still twice as long and I still have to count to ten before I get out of my car at work.

I don’t know what fuckstick you have working in your planning division, but they seriously need to be whacked with a baseball bat. I’m sure you have someone sitting around that could do it while they’re NOT working on I29.

So seriously, please open that third lane back up and convert the merging lanes back to normal. Drivers out here are seriously far too incompetent to know what a YIELD sign means or how to drive 35 mph without riding their brakes – it could be that they have no idea how to read the signs, but I digress.

If you can’t do so, then start tearing shit up on that side of the road so there’s a reason for those effing orange buckets and my newly developed ulcers.

Much obliged,

Jeney