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The One About Crazy Moms and Lost Messages April 20, 2012

Posted by jeneypeney in a little help from my friends, all growed up, life, the famn damily, what the hell.

Before I start – and just in case anyone was curious – I would like to make something very clear…

There will be absolutely no zygotes, fetuses, babies, or any other form of tiny human being incubated and grown in my  lady parts any time in the next few years.

It’s not that I don’t want kids someday; I do. I have simply decided to head off the, “So when are are starting a family?” conversations that I am sure to encounter beginning June 24th.

Or, more importantly, if you happen to be my baby-crazy-I-want-grandchildren-like-yesterday mother – I am putting the kibosh on any more of your “Honeymoon Surprise!” wishes.

I seem to have those, “I want grandchildren!”/”Get off my back!” conversations with my mom far too often. Yesterday I had a particular doozie in which I kind of went all Gretchen Wieners on my mom’s ass and this is how it went:


Baby-Crazy-Mom: “I was telling your dad yesterday I hope you and Brian have an oopsie during the honeymoon…”

Empty-Uterus: “Not going to happen. We cannot afford to have a baby right now.”

BCM: “Well, whatever your insurance doesn’t cover I am sure The Actual’s will.”

EU: “That doesn’t mean we can afford the crib, changing table, diapers, food, toys, clothes and all that nonsense. I would probably have to take a leave of absence for an extended period of time considering all the heavy lifting I and all the chemicals I am exposed to – the stress of living on one income wouldn’t help anything”

BCM: “But your father and I just saw a four-in-one crib at Sears!”

EU: “Well, that’s nice – do they make four-in-one diapers too?! How about food that digests in to more edible food after the kid shits it out? Have you seen any self-washing onesies lately? I SAID NO BABIES!”


I just can’t seem to get this through her head. Despite the blatant privilege I have been afforded of actually having health insurance, a decent paying job, and the ability to afford the birth control my insurance does not cover through a Planned Parenthood that is only a 10 minute drive away, The Actual and I are not ready to procreate.

Hell – I’m lucky if I remember to pants on before I leave the house or can feed myself proper meals seven nights a week.

I guess besides needing to get this frustration off my chest, I was wondering how I get my mom to understand where I am coming from? How do I get her to understand this is less about her getting grand babies to spoil and more about us being handed a huge platter of responsibility we are not ready for?



1. theemeralderin - April 20, 2012

I will readily admit that for all my mother’s Crazy Midwestern Mom tendancies, she has some how NOT started in on the grandbabies thing. I think she’s still relieved that I’m dating boys, that she’s not willing to push it and scare me off the “traditional life path” more than I already am. (Apparently there was a time when the world thought I was batting for the other team? Heaven forbid that a high school girl just think boys are useless and focus on her academics instead.)

Does your mom typically react well to logic, or does she do better with scare tactics? With logic, you could, in theory, plot out the costs of babies vs income vs lost income vs. insurance and hand her a spreadsheet. “See that negative dollar sign, Mom? THAT is why we’re not having a baby.”

On the other hand, scare tactics might be called for. I have found that threatening to never talking to your parents again, and then not doing so for three months, actually works fairly well in convincing your family that you’re a woman of your word. While that may not be an advisable course of action at the moment, considering your upcoming nuptials, you could always do so afterwards. “If you mention the b-word one more time, Mom, I am hanging up on you.”

I have my parents trained to the point that they know if I say “Your reactions are ridiculous and you can either stop freaking out or I’m hanging up” they actually chill the fuck out. Most of the time. We’re still working on a 100% ROI on that tactic, but they have learned that I am not going to put up with their bullshit, and that when I want their opinion, I will ask for it.

What it comes down to is that parents are never really ready for their kids to become adults. You’re just playing at it right now, to them. Like you used to play house, or doctor, or any number of role-playing-based learning exercises. Sure, you may have the cap and gown, the apartment and job in another city/state, and maybe you’re doing other adult things, like drinking and sex (the former being an easier thing to accept). But until they realize that you’re an adult, just like they are, they’re going to push and prod you to do things that you don’t like, just like they did when you were a kid. “Just eat your beans and then you can go play outside” has morphed into “Just give me a grandkid and then I’ll just up for a year or two.”

Sometimes being an adult means that you have to stop playing nice, and use the same underhanded tactics that they’ve been using on you the last 20-odd years. Fair, no; manipulative, yes. Being nice has only gotten you so far with them; maybe it’s time to change the rules.

2. cari - April 21, 2012

My family is baby-crazy too. It’s annoying and frustrating. Then again, you already knew that. 😉

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