The “Fun” in “Dysfunction” April 30, 2010Posted by jeneypeney in being appropriate is overrated, i'm a moron, life, the famn damily, the midwest.
So for those of you who put up with my shenanigans on twitter, you know my family is a little weird.
Ok, fine. A lot weird.
Anytechnicalities, I had mentioned the possibility of blogging about my family reunions – but it was just in passing and I didn’t take myself too seriously. Which none of you should do anyway because I’m full of shit about 86% of the time.
Then ndtex mentioned how amazing it would be if I did, in fact, divulge to you what exactly happens when my blood relatives join in mass numbers.
And I can’t just ignore an opportunity like that, now can I?
Let me start my telling you that my family reunions take place in Presque Isle, Wisconsin. The population of this town is just over 500 people and the gas station only has two pumps. There is no grocery store in town (you have to go into Manitowish Waters for that), but there are two bars and a hotel. The nearest “big box” store is an hour away in Minoqua.
“Downtown” Presque Ilse has a fire station, library, gas station, cafe, bait and tackle/gift shop, and a post office. It takes up about half of a city block.
The house on our property in lit-rally in the middle of the woods. Two miles out my front door is the upper peninsula of Michigan. Until a few years ago our nearest neighbor was about 5 miles away.
This town gives a whole new meaning to “middle of fucking nowhere.”
The reunions are based around about a few dozen very intoxicated people gathered around a very large bon fire telling very ridiculous stories. I could honestly write a book about the absurdness of my family reunion, but I feel like this post is long enough already. So I will give you the Blogger’s Digest of Jeney’s Family Reunion… also known as a list.
1) … a bunch of cousins dared Little Shit (who was about 7 at the time) to climb to the top of one of the 20+ feet tall evergreens in the front yard. Wanting nothing more than to be accepted by his awesomely cool older cousins, he climbed the tree. The wrath my mother brought down upon those cousins was akin to the Four Horsemen descending upon earth.
2) … the fire wood was pretty damp from a thunderstorm earlier that week. My dad thought it would be a great idea to use diesel fuel to get the bon fire going. The end result? Dad had no eyebrows.
3) … a cousin passed out in the port-o-john (we rent one for the weekend because the septic tank is waaaay too small to handle that many people’s crap). He didn’t wake up until the next morning.
4) … my dad almost sent us overboard on a pontoon because he didn’t realize that those things don’t just stop on a dime.
5) … we ran the town dry of tequila. Seriously. Not a drop left.
6) … I was convinced there was a bear outside my window while I was sleeping and I had a legit panic attack. It was my grandfather snoring.
7) … my mother drunkenly clumsily stepped out of the port-o-john and sprained her ankle. My drunk ass spent 4 hours in the ER making friends with the kid who dropped a pot of boiling potatoes on her feet at camp and the guy who had a fish hook through his hand.
8) … there was a bear on the front porch. And I don’t mean Winnie the Pooh kind of bear. I mean an Allie Brosh kind of bear. ON THE FRONT FUCKING PORCH!
9) … there was another bear eating out of the deer feeder, which is about 15 yards away from the fire pit. My dad and uncle decided to have a “whose nut-sack is made out of a higher grade of metal” contest by alternating taking one step closer to the bear… until we all informed them that none of us were driving them to the hospital after said bear rips their faces off.
10) … I was showering when one of the kids decided flushing the toilet repeatedly was funniest god damn thing since The Wiggles.
11) … my mom and I Titanic-ed a paddle boat. Not even kidding. We sank the bitch.
After reading through these I realized they’re not as funny as they were when they happened. I guess you had to be there.
Well, then. Who wants to come to my reunion with me this year?