Just a Lost Soul Swimmin' in a Fish Bowl

GTL (Fo real, yo.) February 1, 2012

As roughly 99.9% of the US population does every December 31st around 11:45pm – the Actual and I pledged to be healthier and lose weight. Our goal was to look and feel awesome by the completely arbitrary and not-important-at-all date of June 23rd.*

I am happy to report we’ve done a pretty good job of it so far. Of course, we’ve fought some pretty fierce battles along the way…

Grilled Salmon, Salad, and Steamed Veggies versus the 20 oz. Prime Rib, Loaded Baked Potato, and Baked Beans was a particularly gnarly one to fight. I have to say after a long stare down and some pretty vulgar trash talk, fish and rabbit food won out.

The Couch and 42″ Flat Screen have been pretty persistent in conjunction with XBOX 360 and Direct TV as they all fight against the treadmills, bikes, and weights at the Gym. I will admit having Little Shit living with us now is a good deterrent for giving in to former of the contestants.

While my body will occasionally plead with me to stop and has an arsenal of white flags ready to go at any moment, my mind is not backing off. One huge reason for this has certainly been the addition of an absurdly difficult, insane, and possibly harmful obstacle race** to my wedding celebration festivities. I mean, if I don’t want to die before I walk down the aisle, I really need to get my ass in gear. (By the way, have you donated to the cause yet??)

However… there are a few things I would like to inquire about some of the things I see when I work out at my gym. While we do not have any guidos or guidettes who frequent our place of exercise delight, I have witnessed many a folk who make me feel like posting this next to their machines:

For those of you who also work out at fitness centers or gyms, please let me know if these are nation-wide phemons or if Fargo is just really effin’ weird.

Women who work out with their hair down. And I’m not talking cute little hair styles that are impossible to actually put in a pony tail. I’m talking legitimate long hair that comes down to at least their shoulders. My hair is always secured in a braid, pony tail, or bun at all times when I work out and I STILL want to chop it all off. How can these women stand to have all their locks just whipping around nilly-willy like?

Men who wear beanie caps while lifting. Seriously guys, what the hell? Does it really serve a purpose? You’re not even wearing it correctly – it seems to be more propped on your skull like some kind of ill- fitting condom. Don’t tell me it’s a fashion thing because I will take that 60 pound weight you’ve been struggling to lift for the past 30 minutes and throw it at your face***

Rat Tails. Are these coming back in style? Did I miss something? What the hell is going on?

The locker room always smells like bubble gum. I am not complaining, it’s obviously better than anything else the locker room could smell like… but it’s just perplexes me. Why bubble gum? Why not mountain fresh or baby powder? Does the men’s locker room also smell like children’s candies? Do they get a tootsie roll scent? I want to know!!

I honestly hope someone can shed some light on these things… otherwise they will continue to plague my thoughts and I might end up ass over elbows on a treadmill because I forgot how to put one foot in front of the other because a horde of beanie cap donning guys walk up to the free weights and overload my brain.

Ok, that was a lie… It was a bunch of women on treadmills with their hair down.

Happy Hump Day everyone!!

* If you have to ask, you don’t deserve to know.

** Actual statement regarding the race made by my MOH’s mother: “As maid of honor you are supposed to watch out for her….not electrocute her!”

*** In reality, I will probably make The Actual throw the weight at you. I can’t lift it either.

Are you ready for some football? February 4, 2011

I’m not. Which sucks.

You see, I am a HUGE football fanatic. I seriously live for the months of September through February and I am pretty sure the fact that I get seasonal depression a couple of weeks after the Super Bowl is no coincidence.

Who's got two thumbs and sat in sub-zero temperatures to watch a football game because she's that big a fan? This fucking girl.

Being a avid rabid devoted Chicago Bears fan, I am no stranger to disappointing football seasons. I have dealt with poor performances, pansy quarterbacks, and embarrassing records.

This season, however? Drove me to tears.

We started off like we always do – like shit. But then something happened after the bye week… the team just clicked. We began to play like a team that deserved to win our division and be in the playoffs. The Monsters of the Midway became a team I could be proud of.

I really believed that we could make it to the Big Game and bring honor and pride back to the Windy City!

Then January 23, 2011 happened. And no, I don’t want to talk about it.

So rather than reveling in watching Urlacher, Peppers, and Briggs beat the ever-living shit out of a rapist and his self-righteous, Yankees-of-the-NFL football team… I could give a flying fart over who wins the Super Bowl. Or watching it for that matter.

Why? Because I loathe the Green bay Packers with every fiber of my being. And The Steelers have won too many Super Bowls anyway. And Roethlisberger’s an ass.

So what is this football loving, jaded girl to do on Super Bowl Sunday?

Why, watch Puppy Bowl VII, of course! Nothing will wipe away the bitterness and pain like watching 20 adorable pups run around a play football field while an overly enthusiastic announcer pretends it’s a real game.

As for the Bears? I’ll just say what we’ve all been saying for the past 25 years, “There’s always next year… bastards.”

** Molly for MVP!! **

Don’t look! It’s controversial! January 27, 2011

While I was at work, working hard on work perusing my facebook news feed I found this article about Elton John’s recent adoption and subsequent US! Magazine cover.

For those of you who decided not to click the link, a grocery store in Arkansas decided that the cover, which depicted a very happy Elton John and partner David Furnish holding their adorable new baby boy, was inappropriate for eyes of our nation’s children.

I mean, how could they not? If the pandemonium we all faced after these covers bombarded our news stands…

…is any indication at all – then magazine companies should think twice about using controversial and inappropriate photographs for their covers!

Wait, what was that? It wasn’t the fact that the cover showed an ecstatic couple showing off their brand new addition to the family? Well what was it then?

Was it because the cover screamed something like,

CLEAVAGE! LEGS! UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF FEMALE BODY IMAGE! BOW TO THE OPPRESSION!

UNDERWEAR! SEX OBJECT! YOU ARE ONLY AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOUR LINGERIE AND SOCIETY SAYS YOU ARE!

MYTHICAL BODY IMAGES CREATED BY GRAPHIC ARTISTS IN PHOTO SHOP! BULIMIA! ANOREXIA! TANNING! SEX SEX SEX!!

No? That’s not it either? Well, SHIT! What the hell is wro…

Ohhhhhhhh! I see… they’re all afraid their kids will catch the gay from seeing the magazine cover.

Well, I guess the self-esteem destroying, sex-fueled, fake model magazine covers aren’t so bad after all.

**For those of you who will not understand…This post? Sarcasm. The ridiculousness of Arkansas surpasses my ability to keep quiet.